Pieces of a Woman

My heart flutters. It flutters at the sight of a handsome man, during a sentimental commercial, and before a presentation at work. My anxiety kicks in. It kicks in when I think about my ex-fiance, seeing someone standing near an edge, and on occasional interactions at work. My enthusiasm overflows. Probably because I am having a good hair day. Or from the feeling of accomplishment from a productive day at work. Or from knowing my journey has taken me thus far, yet there is so much more to go. And then the thoughts kick in what's next for me? How do I envision my life partner, planning a lifetime together, being a mother one day, and achieving my career aspirations? One minute I'm laughing and smiling, and then a commercial is on, and I'm shedding a tear.

Chasing beauty at all costs. Rite Aid basket filled up with all the accouterments necessary, and of course, it all is necessary. What’s at the core of my femininity that I so wear as a badge, my pride, and joy? It’s not all the glamour it’s made up to be with my OCD, attention to detail and striving for perfection demons drive me towards. It’s society defining how to make choices with my body and how to handle my own future. Choices. What if I don’t want to be another statistic, yet another single mom raising a dark skin child by herself, already a product of an absentee father. Pronouns are being redefined, which I appreciate, despite my unwavering gender association.

There are moments in time when the stars all align, and you feel on cloud nine like the whole universe is hugging you, and all the G-d’s are aligning. And I know I’m loved by all the G-d’s proven through my travels. I embrace all cultures and walks of life, and it embraces me in return. But the mind wonders it doesn’t always stay on high. What comes up must come down, but only briefly because I come alive again after dusk. I know the opposite. Dawn is for weekdays.

Femininity at its finest and the core of my existence. I channel my ancestry and walk this earth through my travels, soaking in the old with the new. What is the modern day, and what is history. I create new aspirations the more my eyes are exposed to the countries, lifestyles, ways of living, and being. It's the architecture but more so the people. The mannerisms, languages, and the food they eat—the aromas from the kitchen, the delicatessens, the drinks that go with it. I am a woman. I wonder about the cities meeting new people, interacting, and testing my personality. It's growth and evolution. Shaping my future, imagining and knowing what it can be. Then I snap to it and put one foot in front of the other, knowing I'm getting one step closer to my dream.

Thanks so much for reading.

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Painting by Amy Judd